Changes

I had the beginning to a perfect post all worked out in my head and I should have written it all down but I tried to go back to sleep instead.

It was really well thought out and everything and I let it slip away.

I've spent the last 12 years of my life working at my current job, doing the normal thing that everyone does. The socially acceptable thing. Go to work and then come home and complain about your job, your life or lack of one, and everything else under the sun, I was the "good girl" got the "atta boy" and "kept my nose to the grind" and frankly a few years ago I just got tired of doing it all. I kept doing it anyway though because this is what we're taught life is. Work, spend, work, spend and never really be happy but at least you're like everyone else. So everything is good.

The results of doing what you don't want to do for too long and hoping things will get better aren't very good if they never actually get better. The results for me has been situational anxiety from staying to long in a toxic environment. It's not very pretty either. There's lack of sleep, I have the I go to sleep but can't stay a sleep option, others never fall asleep in the first place. Insomnia is an awful thing because you can't recover if you don't sleep and when you're tired the anxiety just gets worse and worse and you sleep less and less and it just keeps on going.

I apparently put on weight when I am stressed. This is the second time at this job I have been under this much stress and put on at least 20 lbs or more because of it. It's also the second time I've had to see a Dr for stress and be prescribed some sort of medication just to go to work. I promised myself after the first time I wouldn't ever do that again, drug myself up just to go to a job that can replace me easily. Why cause myself health issues when I can just go and find another job. Any job. Just to get out of this one.

At first I was hung up on having to make a certain amount of money, I wanted to make the same money but then I realized it wasn't even about the money I just wanted to be happy at work. So I started looking at all of my options and trying to find out what it is I really want to do with the second half of my life. (still working on that part)

This year I finally just started to let go of the norm. Let me tell you, people do not like when you break from the norm. They don't like when you do something different. They don't like when you stop complaining about something and start doing something about it.

Frankly it scares the hell out of them because it makes them take a look at their own life and what they don't like about it but are too afraid to change. So they try to put you back in your place when you do something different so they don't have to look at themselves any more.

Something as simple as not mowing your lawn can really show you the true colors of people. I found friends or at least acquaintances that I didn't even know I had that stood up for me and people I didn't even know ask me if I needed help with things. While the people I've known for 12 years simply ignored me or went out of their way to cause trouble for me, one of which is a minister of his own church. All over something as simple and natural as grass. I'm talking lawn grass here too lol.

So I conformed with the lawn, it was really my plan to do it anyway, my lawn mower had died and I was trying to replace it and I didn't want to save for another one and pay someone to mow the lawn too. Now that the lawn is mowed we will see if people's attitudes change back, I will also give them a clear piece of my mind on the subject if they do and that will be the end of that. I refuse to keep people around me any longer that aren't really true friends. Even true human beings for that matter.

I'm working on some other things that have people thinking I've probably just about lost my mind but I really don't care anymore. I did it their way for a really long time and I really don't want to live that life anymore. There has to be a better way to do things where you can live a life and work to live and not live to work. (I hope I got that order right)

I've done retreats online and taken online classes to try and figure out what path I should take to find my tribe. I know there are people like me out there somewhere so I will be working to try to find them as I stop my old life and get off that ride and start creating a new life for myself. One that I hope to enjoy living as I move forward, one that gives me a little more freedom to be creative and to relax and enjoy myself instead of always being wound up and dreading what might happen the next day. Somewhere I can be myself and let my light shine and not have to keep it hidden so other people won't have to work as hard.

So maybe instead of going crazy like people will probably thing, maybe I'm just really lucid for the first time. Maybe I just figured out that what other people think doesn't really matter anymore only what I think. Is this something for everyone maybe not. Is it wrong if people like the daily grind, definitely not. I enjoyed it for a really long time. I may enjoy it again sometime but right now I just need to find something different.

I watched a good movie over the day called Ride by Helen Hunt. Click the link for the trailer, it's free to watch on Amazon Prime right now. It's in some ways what I feel like I'm going through right now. I think maybe people just need to find themselves and at some point everyone decides they need a change and it just looks drastic to everyone else because they only see the now, but not all the groundwork that led up to now.

Enjoy your day! Thanks for following.